


the secret's in the telling

by picht



Category: Polygon/McElroy Vlogs & Podcasts RPF
Genre: Alcohol, Coming Out, F/F, Fluff and Humor, Fluff and Smut, Hand Jobs, Idiots in Love, In-Universe RPF, M/M, Misunderstandings, Riding, Secret Relationship, Self-Esteem Issues, Tender Sex, Tenderness, mild exhibitionism ?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-26
Updated: 2019-09-26
Packaged: 2020-10-28 21:20:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20785247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/picht/pseuds/picht
Summary: Here is the thing:Vang0 Bang0 is in love with Burger Chainz. It hit him like the world’s most unhackable firewall one day; going down on Burger’s (sizeable, haha…) dick, the larger man had moaned real loud (‘cause Vang0 gotskillz) and said it, those three little dastardly words. “I love you.”{He’s just so… sotender, Burger Chainz. Soft, disbelieving that such a fine specimen as Vang0 would wanna treat him so damn right. Vang0 doesn’t really get it; Burger Chainz isfulldumbass bottom leaning, with himbo titties galore. Plus his metal jaw is kinda sexy, when you really think about it. Vang0 had been thinking about it roughly since five seconds after meeting the other man.}//aka the one where vang0 and burger are in love but the in-universe rpfers won't stop shipping vang0 and dasha and characterizing burger as this weird, aggressive, brutish asshole, and what's up with that? vang0's had enough. it is time to takeaction.





	the secret's in the telling

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ImagineDragonflys](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImagineDragonflys/gifts).

> so basically i'm in this discord server, right? and it's horrible and i hate everyone in it. but one of my friends was talking about writing smut for this pairing as a joke, and then some other people were like "hey bert, you should write ACTUAL smut of them". and then i was awake till 5 am after a really bad ptsd episode and somehow this happened. i don't explain my poetry often. (em, if you're reading this, i'm gifting it to you because it wouldn't exist if you hadn't walked in on the server at the LEAST opportune of times to say that you wanna write joking smut for these two)
> 
> cw for like implied homophobia/lesbophobia and fatphobia in the form of fans completely disregarding the actual chemistry between vang0 and burger and dasha and her gf in order to ship vang0 and dasha simply because they are m/f, and characterizing burger as some aggressive brute that vang0 needs to be saved from just because he's not, like, skinny/conventionally attractive. listen, vang0 funkin supports the hell out of rpfers. he's a borderline narcissist. of COURSE he does. he just needs the fans to know that 1) he's in love with BURGER CHAINZ, and 2) he tops/doms burger chainz ALL the time. y'all kidding? even when burger chainz TOPS, he is still in no way dominant. come ON
> 
> df;lkgd;lgfd;lgkd;l characterization may be off cuz i havent, uh, actually watched the vid d;lkgndf;lgnfd;klgnd;gdfkl . but i had friends read it and they told me it was good so i'm hoping that that's not the case.

Here is the thing:

Vang0 Bang0 is in love with Burger Chainz. It hit him like the world’s most unhackable firewall one day; going down on Burger’s (sizeable, haha…) dick, the larger man had moaned real loud (‘cause Vang0 got _skillz_) and said it, those three little dastardly words. “I love you.” Then he’d unthinkingly come on Vang0’s face when he’d pulled back in shock and immediately started apologizing.

He’s just so… so _tender_, Burger Chainz. Soft, disbelieving that such a fine specimen as Vang0 would wanna treat him so damn right. Vang0 doesn’t really get it; Burger Chainz is _full_ dumbass bottom leaning, with himbo titties galore. Plus his metal jaw is kinda sexy, when you really think about it. Vang0 had been thinking about it roughly since five seconds after meeting the other man.

So--_so_. Vang0 Bang0 is in love with Burger Chainz. Said it back and everything, even with come on his face, even though they hadn’t really specified what level of whole ass over head romance their relationship was before then. Burger had made it sound so natural, so genuine and sweet, like they said it all the time. Vang0’s chest broke apart and his insides got all fucky and muddled and he’d had no choice but to rest his face on Burger’s exposed knee, rub his grody mustache all over Burger’s thigh, and say it back.

Anyway. Vang0 is in love with Burger. And they may not be out, but that’s entirely Burger’s doing. If Vang0 had the go ahead from his Boyfriend Cum Soulmate, he’d be shouting his love from rooftops. He’d dedicate entire streams to waxing poetic about Burger’s excess muscles and lack of intellect. He’d start a foundation to benefit himbos in Burger’s honor. Even though they’re stealth as hell, Vang0 still feels like most of the time he’s pretty damn obvious about his feelings towards Burger (half the time he’s sitting in the dude’s _lap_). So why the fuck are so many people shipping him with Dasha?

“I don’t get it,” He says between large glugs of the wine he needs to down in order to cope. “I mean, no offence, babez--” the z is audible, “--but I’m all hands on deck for my mans. All hands on _pec_, even.”

“None taken,” Dasha chimes from across the room. Vang0 hadn’t even been sure she was listening--too busy necking with the new girl everyone’s been dubbing her _good friend_. “I don’t get it either. Any time you see him you get this look in your eye like you’re ready to sit on his dick right there, no matter where we are or what we’re doing.” Vang0 takes a big glug of his wine in order to keep from saying something he shouldn’t, like _you can’t blame me his cock is magnificent_, or something.

“Yeah,” says Dasha’s new girl. Karen, maybe--Vang0’s a lil’ too sauced and a lil’ too thinking about Burger’s dick to, like, really remember, but it’s probably Karen. What a weird funkin’ name. “Dash and I literally made out on a park bench last week, and everyone was talking about what good friends we must be. What’s up with that?”

“What’s up, indeed,” Dasha says, a little sillier than normal ‘cause of the wine, pressing a smile into her girl’s neck.

Vang0 doesn’t have an answer for them, and the more he thinks about it, nerves loose from the drink, the more anxious he gets. Then he gets anxious about other things; if he’s being rude by not wanting to be shipped with Dasha by fans, if he’s making a big deal out of nothing, if he needs to chill, if he needs to completely erase all evidence of his existence from the web--Vang0 doesn’t have an answer, so all he does is down the rest of his drink, slam it on the table, and say, “What’s up, _indeed_.”

The thing is! The thing is. It’s not that Vang0 is, like, insulted that people are shipping him with Dasha. He _luvz_ Dasha. It’s just that, while he _luvz_ Dasha, he _loves_ Burger. And he wants to kiss _Burger Chainz_, not just in private but in public. On stream. And he’s finally had enough.

The thing that’s caused him to realize that he’s had enough is a fanfiction Dasha had sent him--the scheming hoe--where Burger Chainz had been this big, weirdly sexual aggressor that Dasha had, had funkin’ saved Vang0 from. That’s just _wrong_. Like, Vang0 kinda gets it, right? The dude is huge. He’s got a metal jaw and he gets kinda violent sometimes! But he’s really the sweetest person alive. Like, the _sweetest_. Reading that fanfiction had sent Vang0 down a rabbithole of other fanfictions, and he’d realized that basically all of them feature Burger as this mean, aggressive dude. Even ones that ship him and Burger Chainz make Burger weirdly aggressive in a kind of gross way. It’s just not _accurate_. Burger Chainz is the sweetest, most caring partner ever. The fans need an _example_.

So he’s here, in his room with his streaming stuff on, ready to go live with a thought. He’s also straddling Burger’s lap and sucking at his jaw. One hand is pushing the collar of his top down and to the side (he’s gotta see those himbo tiddies or he'll die) and the other is cradling the back of Burger’s head, fingers threaded through his hair.

“I wanna ride you,” Vang0 says between open mouthed kisses, and Burger just whimpers, because dirty talk is not his strong suit. If he tries to speak he’s liable to just tell Vang0 he loves him and then burst into tender tears, which usually Vang0 is fine with, but it might not be ideal for what Vang0 has planned. “Wanna ride you, but first, I wanna do something else.”

He pulls back, letting Burger Chainz catch his breath for a moment before guiding his face straight forward so they’re making eye contact. “Yeah? What do you want?” Burger asks. Vang0 just smiles.

“I want you to let me start a stream while we’re making out so that everyone will know that I’m with your big ol’ hunk of a man self and not Dasha.” Burger--freezes, which is exactly what Vang0 had expected him to do.

The thing is, Vang0 knows what Burger’s hang up is. It’s because he feels like he’s not good enough for Vang0. He thinks he’s--too stupid (though Vang0 ain’t winning any awards in the intellect department either and he doesn’t really mind), or too weird looking. Too brutish, too violent, too much metal in his body. He’d been scared to even kiss Vang0 for the longest time, like Vang0 would feel the cool metal of his jaw and flee. And he feels like the moment they make their relationship public, people will disapprove, and Vang0 will realize that the whole thing has been a mistake.

That’s not gonna happen, but Vang0 gets the anxiety, so he just lets Burger be still for a moment before saying, “I love you, big dude o’ mine. I ain’t never gonna stop loving you. And I’m tired of people writing about you being freaky in a bad way and then me getting topped by Dasha’s strap on. When I go looking for fan content about us, I wanna see some explicit shit about _us_. Dasha is full gay right now, with Karen, or whatever her name is--she doesn’t even have time to give me the strap!”

“O-Okay,” Burger says, and then says something else but Vang0 doesn’t hear it ‘cause he’s too busy sitting back on his haunches, weight resting on Burger’s thighs as he emits a victory howl. “Just stop talking about Dasha topping you, please.”

“Sweet,” Vang0 says, then darts forward to maul Burger’s face with his face.

He gives it a good few seconds, till they get their tongues involved and Burger Chainz is doing his soft little moaning thing, before he starts the stream. Even without looking, he can tell immediately when a multitude of fans begin to tune in. As he removes his mouth from Burger’s in order to suck down his chin to the hollow of his throat and bite gently at his adam’s apple, he can tell when all of the fans watching process exactly what’s going on, too.

Burger Chainz gets his hands on Vang0’s hips, and God, his hands are _huge_. Vang0 can feel the heat of them through the layers of his clothes, wide palms pressed fully against his sides, thumbs sneaking under his shirt to rub circles into the v of his bare hipbones. When Vang0 grinds down, just a bit, and feels Burger, hard, pressing against his inseam, it will surely be the end for him.

“Fuck, Burger Chainz. I love you so much, honey bunch,” He says, because his goal has always been first and foremost to give the fans a show. He feels the heat of Burger’s blush all the way down to his chest, and grins sharp against his cheek. He grinds down again, thinks _God, I gotta get that inside me_, and just barely remembers to end the stream before he goes for Burger’s zipper.

He gets their pants undone--Burger’s cock sticking out, a dark, angry color against his belly where Vang0 has rucked his shirt up, and his own pants and underwear shoved down around his lower thighs. He gets some fingers inside him--first in his mouth, Burger’s wide, strong hands stretching his jaw so well, then coated in the lube he always has on hand at this point in his life, then easing up into Vang0, stretching him, in and out, thumb rubbing against the soft skin of his perineum as the pads of his fingers prod at Vang0’s prostate.

“Oh,” Vang0 says, a little high pitched, the way his voice gets whenever Burger’s opening him up like this, so well that he feels full with it. Like maybe when Burger’s done with him, he’ll be--funkin’ _loose_. Like maybe he _wants_ to be funkin’ loose.

Burger bites his lip, weirdly shy for a man with three fingers in his Boyfriend Cum Soulmate’s ass, but Burger is just like that. He makes eye contact with Vang0 and his eyes are so full--of love, of admiration, of the obvious desire to do anything Vang0 asks of him. It’s so much, and Vang0 is only so strong despite how he tries to come off on camera. He feels his cockhead, slick with precome, leaking and bobbing and smearing it into his shirt, and he knows they gotta get to the main event fast or he’s not gonna last like this much longer.

He gets Burger lubed up, pulls gently at him a few times, watches in poorly concealed awe as Burger’s cock gets wetter at the touch of his hand. Then he sinks the _funk_ down, like he was put on this earth by God herself to ride his Boyfriend Cum Soulmate’s obscenely large cock.

It’s a little slow going at first as he grows accustomed to the stretch of him, but after some agonizing patience, he’s sunk completely down, skin to skin, thighs trembling with the feeling of Burger’s tip pressing into his prostate. He’s so far gone already, because maybe he has a bit of an exhibition thing, and maybe he has a HUGE Burger Chainz thing. He’s so close all he can really do is mindlessly grind down, little circles over and over so that Burger’s cock will press harder into his prostate.

A few strokes of Burger Chainz’s huge himbo hands across his cock is all it takes for Vang0 to come. Normally he’d be embarrassed of the hair trigger, but this is Burger Chainz, and Burger Chainz loves him. So instead he focuses on riding Burger better as he works through the aftershocks till he can no longer take the stimulation. He pulls off softly, feels his dick twitch just a little at the way Burger’s freed cock slaps against his belly, and gets his hands on him lightning fast.

A hand on Burger’s cock and the other threaded through his hair, pulling just a bit. Mouth against Burger’s jaw (weirdly sensitive in a way which, frankly, Vang0 does not comprehend, but also doesn’t question), a few strokes of his hand, a few swipes of his thumb across the head, and the whispered words, “You’re so good, baby. Love you so much, sugar. Let me feel you come--_please_,” and Burger is coming, eyes scrunched up and mouth open. He’s beautiful.

They breathe together in silence for a moment, Vang0 laying soft kisses on Burger’s neck and jaw as they gather their bearings once more. After the silence has fully settled, Burger says, “So, uh, everyone knows now, huh?”

“It would seem so, my dear Burger,” Vang0 responds, settling his weight fully on Burger’s lap.

“And you’re--you’re not gonna break up with me now, are you?” Burger says. It’s quiet, timid. He’s such a funkin’ teddy bear. “I mean, if you did, that’d be okay. You’re, uh. Allowed, to do that, but. I don’t. Want you to.” Vang0 is _in love_.

“Nah,” Vang0 responds. “Think I’m gonna marry you, actually.”

As Burger gapes at him, metal jaw dropped, Vang0 hears a ping which he knows is a message from Dasha. He knows what it says, too--_holy fuck_, or, _okay, king_, or something along those lines--but he ignores it in favor of trying to form Burger’s hair into a tiny mohawk. There will be time for dealing with press and questions. Right now, Vang0 Bang0 is in love with Burger Chainz, and he’s gonna do his best to prove it.

(If, after they clean themselves up and are cuddling, Vang0 still playing with Burger’s hair because it’s a _thing_ for him, Vang0 quietly turns the stream back on for everyone to watch and see them being funkin’ adorable, well. What Burger doesn’t know won’t hurt him.)

**Author's Note:**

> oof ! title is from the song the secret's in the telling by dashboard confessional cuz as we all know, i'm a stupid emo bitch ! feel free to come hang out with me on tumblr @ cripplepunkdyke and talk to me about this fic or any of my other fics !! :3


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